Aren’t People Just the Worst?

A smart guy once said, “There are two types of people in the world: those who have been offended by others, and dead people.”

You would think that this would change when we became Christians.  After all, Jesus said that the most important thing that we could ever possibly do is love God and love other people (Mt 22:37-40).  If God is number one in our lives, and other people are number two, then you would think that issues with other people would be pretty much non-existent.  To offend someone else violates this commandment of love, and to hold onto anger against someone when they hurt us also throws out the love principle, because we don’t remain mad at the people we truly love.

But we know that this ideal that Jesus laid down is not always as easy to live out as it is to quote angrily at others when they annoy us.  People hurt us, and we hurt them, and people get mad at us, and we get mad at them, and people hold onto bitterness because of us, and us because of them.  Like that smart guy was saying, every single one of us has hurt someone, and every single one of us has been hurt by someone else.

I hated dogs growing up.  We were a cat family, and I always enjoyed a cat’s independence and lack of neediness.  With a cat, you just need to clean out the litterbox, throw down some food, and the cat will be perfectly content on its own, showing up for a little affection from time to time, but not overly requiring human interaction.  With dogs, they always need your attention; you have to walk them, put them outside, pick up their poop, play with them, and just overall give them a lot of your time and energy….no thank you.  Cats are just easier, and dogs are too much work.  I would never, ever own a dog.

This was an unalterable truth in my life until I met the most beautiful woman in the world, who would eventually become my wife.  She was smart, funny, charming, sweet, caring, and completely in love with Jesus.  (She still IS all of those things…and MORE….nice save, Chris!)

Her one glaring flaw was that she owned a dog.  A female miniature Schnauzer named “Jax”.  I thought it was a stupid name.  And the dog yapped a lot, those really high-pitched barks that pierce your ears.  She bit my pant legs whenever I walked by.  If I didn’t play with her, she would sit and growl at me until I did.  She always jumped into my lap and wanted to cuddle whenever I sat down, and yes, as my relationship with Sarah grew, I found myself begrudgingly walking the dog, taking her outside, picking up her poop, and falling into that most unenviable role of dog-caretaker.

The things we do for love.

But, wouldn’t you know it (as all dog owners who are reading this nod and smirk smugly), that little mutt wormed her way into my heart.  For all of her barking and pooping, this was a creature that completely adored me without reason.  When I came to visit Sarah, Jax would charge to the front door as I opened it, jump all over me, her little nub of a tail wagging up a storm, yipping and whimpering, as if I had been off to war. When I would pet her, she gazed worshipfully into my eyes, and when I played with her in the backyard, she bounded around in pure, unadulterated joy.  She really made me feel like I was the most incredible person in the whole world, and it is awfully hard not to warm up to someone who loves you so unconditionally.  As that bumper sticker says, “Lord, help me to be the person that my dog thinks I am.”

Before dog-owners get too arrogant about another convert, I would just like to say that my now-wife and I also own three cats.  So there.

Jax is a lot of fun.  She loves food, but hates vegetables.  If you toss her a carrot, she starts to eat it, but the minute that unpleasant taste hits her tongue, she spits it out.  And she is not the smartest creature around.  If I put the garbage out and am gone for 5 minutes, when I come back inside I get an over-the-top, yappy, emotional greeting as if I have been gone for 5 years.  If I pretend to throw a ball, she charges furiously to the spot where the ball should be, frantic and confused when she can’t find it.  She has no sense of time or her place in this world, she has no comprehension of anything beyond the immediate moment, and I do believe that she would literally die for me without a moment’s hesitation, without even thinking about it at all.

And yet, in spite of the fact that she may not be the brightest, she still has enough sense to spit something out of her mouth when it tastes bad.

And in that sense, she is vastly superior to many of us.  Because when the bitterness of offence comes, we so easily take the opposite approach: we hold onto it, although it tastes bad, refusing to spit it out, and we let it fester and grow.

People problems are some the hardest problems that we can face in this life.  Any trial can be terrible, but humans have the ability to cause hurt, and the pain that we inflict can go deep.  Waiting on God is hard, but it doesn’t cut to the heart.  Struggling financially is incredibly difficult, but it doesn’t leave hurts that can last for decades.  Sickness is awful, but it doesn’t leave us seething with rage.  When God corrects us, it may sting, but He never speaks to purposely cause pain in us.

But man’s actions and words can be devastating if we turn them against a fellow human being, and our intelligence allows us to really stick the knife in, especially if we are angry with another.  We are the only creatures in all of God’s creation who hold grudges, and we are also the only ones who feel vengeful.  We can be both offensive and defensive when it comes to dealing with others, and we all likely bear some scars from the wounds given by others.

When someone hurts us, offends us, or makes us angry, there are generally two approaches that we naturally take.  One is to lash back, and one is to withdraw and shut down.  The first is not good because it typically only escalates the issue.  As Proverbs says, “a harsh word stirs up anger,” (Pr 15:1).  Someone wounds us, we wound them back, they respond because now they are hurt and angry, and on and on it goes.  As someone once said, “Fighting fire with fire only leads to a whole lot of fire.”

The second approach is not good either, because by withdrawing and ignoring the problem, it never gets solved.  At times, someone can hurt us, and a truly mature person can see past the hurt, forgive the offender, and move on with their life.  This is a good way to handle things, and should be our first choice.

However, many times the hurt doesn’t go away that easy.  Sometimes we pretend like something doesn’t bother us, when it truly does.  If we are unable to just let something go and move on without thinking of it anymore, then we do need to deal with it.  Inner hurts often don’t just go away if we ignore them.  They remain, and the pain caused by them can show up in other places in our lives.  We need to get healthy, and part of that process is dealing with the issue instead of ignoring it.

The Matthew 18 principle teaches us a simple plan for conflict management.  The first step is to talk the other person, “just between the two of you.” (v.15). Often, we like to tell a whole bunch of other people what our offender did first, before we deal with anything one on one.  Or, just as likely, we tell a whole bunch of other what our offender did, and never once talk to the only person that we should.  Jesus made it clear that are not to speak to anyone else until we have tried to work it out, just between the two of us, first and foremost.

If that doesn’t work, we are permitted by Scripture to tell “one or two others,” and bring them into the conflict ( v.16).  Note the specific low numbers that Jesus permits us to share the situation with.  Perhaps the Lord knows that when we gossip about another’s flaws, we are not always the most objective and truthful, and our words can cause a lot of damage.  He wants us to keep things quiet, and involve as few people as possible.

This is not, however, so that we can have someone to vent to, or someone to take our side and get us even madder.  There is one purpose for sharing it with another person, and that is to see if they can help work things out.  So if we going to tell another person how someone has offended us, we also need to invite them to come and be a part of the solution to the problem.

If this still doesn’t work, then we are to “tell it to the church” (v.17), which would likely mean telling a pastor or other leader who has spiritual authority over the two people involved in the conflict.  And if a person refuses to deal with it even through the church leadership, then we are to let it go. (ibid).

As we are trying to work things out, there are a few other things we can be doing as well.

Firstly, we need to swallow our pride, bite our tongues, and not lash back at the person who is hurting us.  This is much easier said than done.  But the Bible tells us clearly, “Do not repay anyone evil for evil…Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.” (Ro17-18).  God tells us that He will deal with those who have wronged us.  We do not need to punish them with our angry words, or our gossip about them, or our cold-shoulders and silent treatment.  The God of justice will step in wherever there truly is injustice; we do not need to presume that job for Him.

Next, we need to bless the person that we feel has wronged us.  Scripture tells us to “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.” (Rom 12:14).  Cursing is more natural when we are mad at someone, but blessing is the command.  More than just praying for good things, blessing also includes loving action towards the other person.  We bless them with our kindness.  Not only will these prayers and actions invite God to move in their lives, but these things also help our hearts as well.  It is hard to stay angry with someone when you are petitioning God on their behalf and doing something nice for them.

We also need to keep a good perspective on the situation by remember our own faults and sins.  When we are having problems with another person, it is very easy to focus on them and their problems.  But Scripture says that, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another,” (Pr 27:17).   Often, we like the idea of us sharpening another person.  It is easy to see someone else’s flaws, and it can be fun to imagine telling someone off, showing them exactly where they are wrong and how they have wronged us.

But it really requires absolutely no special wisdom or spiritual discernment to see someone’s negative qualities, despite the fact that it falsely makes most of us feel superior when we notice them.  Most of our flaws are pretty obvious to those around us, and we are not fooling anyone.  Sharpening someone else and seeing where they need to improve is easy.  The problem is that this verse from Proverbs says that God will use us to sharpen each other, just as iron sharpens iron.  You need it just as much as they do.  So, if you are in a conflict with another person and you are seeing their faults magnified, that is fine, but it is important to realize that your faults are also being magnified at the same time, as well.  Wisdom requires us to look in the mirror every time we see a negative trait in another, and ask, “Lord, what are you showing me about myself through this ‘sharpening’ situation?”

This is a good thing, because if we embrace this idea, it will keep self-righteousness out of our arguments.  Because typically, if I’m annoyed with someone because they have hurt me, I feel that I am right and they are wrong.  I am sensitive, and they are not.  My character is good, and theirs is bad.  I pass the love test, and they have failed it.  I am righteous, while they have a lot to learn.

But Scripture tells us that we are to take a different approach: “In humility, consider others better than yourselves.” (Phi 2:3).  Which means that, if I am in conflict with another human being, I need to stop assuming that I am more righteous than they are, and actually assume that the opposite is true.  They are a child of God, just like I am, and Jesus does not love me more than He loves them.  And as much as I would love to only focus on them and their flaws, God is just as interested in working on my own character and my own issues, and will use this process to make me a better and more Christ-like person, if I will let Him.

Finally, we must find a way to forgive the other person.  The Word says that we are to “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Col 3:13).  And this is the key point: we have been forgiven for every offence we have committed against the Lord, and so we must forgive others for every offence committed against us.

Jesus sternly warned about the dangers of calling upon God for personal forgiveness while refusing to forgive others in the Parable of Unmerciful Servant (Mt 18:21-35). In a nutshell, the story is as follows: A servant owes his master more money than he can ever pay back.  He begs for patience.  The master is moved, and forgives the whole debt.  The servant then goes out and finds a fellow servant who owes him a few dollars.  He demands payment, and when he does not receive it, throws his fellow servant in prison.  When the master hears of this, he is enraged at the servant’s lack of mercy in the face of the master’s forgiveness, and turns the servant over to be tortured until he pays back his monstrous debt in full.

Jesus makes the meaning crystal-clear in an epilogical statement: “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart” (v.35).

So, as if forgiveness were not just a reward within itself, wherein we let our brothers off the hook and forgive as we have been forgiven, there is also a very real self-interest involved.  Jesus said, “Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.” (Mt 5:7). Elsewhere, Scripture warns that “judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful.” (James 2:13).

To put it plainly: Even if you struggle with doing it for the Lord, it’s in your own best interest to show mercy to others.

So, if we want His mercy, we must also extend mercy.  If we want lots of mercy, we need to give others lots of mercy.  If we choose to hold a grudge and demand something from those who wrong us, then we can expect God to deal with us in the same way.  But He loves us, and longs to be merciful towards us (Isa 30:18).  And to that end, He wants us to love each other.

And if we do what the Word tells us on these matters, that will cause us to walk in greater love.  1Corinithans chapter 13 contains the famous “love” passage that gets read at virtually every wedding in the Western world.  Although much it can certainly be applied to the love between a husband and wife, within context, it is not about romantic love, but the love that we are to have for our fellow man.  The love that Jesus commanded was only to be secondary to our love for Him.

Therefore, this passage can give us some good steps in how we are treat one other.  Therefore, in accordance with what 1Corinthians 13 tells us about love, we must be patient with each other.  We must always show kindness.  We must never be rude.  We must not be self-seeking.  We must not easily become angry with others.  We must keep no record of wrongs.  We must always protect one another.  We must always trust each other.  And we must always have hope for our fellow man, never, ever giving up on them (1Co 13.4-7).

Because we know that Jesus has never once given up on us.